My Family Has an Abusive and Controlling Spirit

[Focus on the Family is dedicated to bringing healing and restoration to couples who are struggling in their spousal relationship. But God's design for marriage never included abuse, violence or coercive control. Even emotional abuse tin bruise or severely damage a person'southward heart, heed and soul. If you are in an calumniating relationship, go to a safe place and call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or visit them online at thehotline.org .]

When I asked Beth* how her husband, Joe, prayed for her, she shared the most recent example.

"Last week he asked God to help me not to be then selfish and greedy and for Jesus to deliver me from the evils that plague me. He pleaded with God to spotter over me because I can't be trusted."

Through her tears, she continued to draw his prayer. "He said that my disability to command myself means that I hate God and that God would be correct to cast me out of His kingdom."

Beth went on to say that Joe had prayed, "No i can serve ii masters. Either you lot will hate the one and honey the other, or you will be devoted to the i and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money" (Matthew 6:24, NIV).

And, if that were not bad enough, she finished by proverb, "He pleaded with God to grant him the ability to tolerate what God himself barely tin."

Why had Beth's married man, an elder at their church, prayed this way? This had been his response to Beth's overspending on groceries for their family of nine by half dozen dollars.

Afterward years of her husband praying Scripture over her in this way, Beth found it nearly incommunicable to open her Bible without assertive that God was condemning her, just equally her husband had insinuated. This shattered her. Praying had become nearly incommunicable for her. Worse, she began to confuse the words of her abuser for what God said about her. She had come up to believe she was unworthy of the Lord and His care because of her married man'south spiritual abuse.

Men may be victims of domestic abuse, and Darby Strickland's advice can exist applied to them. Strickland addresses wives specifically in her advice since 85 percent of domestic abuse victims are women and Strickland's counseling experience is with women.

Is it spiritual abuse?

Spiritual corruption occurs when an oppressor establishes control and domination past using Scripture, doctrine or his "leadership role" as a weapon. This form of abuse can exist subtle, because information technology tin can mask itself as religious practice. If a hubby exhibits control-oriented leadership over his wife, lords his power over her, demands submission from her or uses Scripture in shaming and punishing means, these are signs of spiritual abuse.

When a spiritual abuser twists Scripture and uses it to attack, his abuse can feel every bit though it comes from God himself. Even though he is taking Scripture out of context, distorting it and weaponizing it, the oppressor is using God's words — so it can seem as if God is the i doing the shaming.

Spiritual corruption is a close cousin to emotional abuse, except it's more profoundly wounding every bit it often leaves victims isolated from God. Since it uses God and His Word to boss and scold, victims can find information technology difficult to dissever the abuse from their understanding of who God is or of how He sees them.

Does he use Scripture to control?

When husbands use Scripture to control and criticize, notwithstanding, they are using it in the exact opposite way from what God intends. Ephesians 5 tells husbands that they are to utilize Scripture in a sanctifying way that lifts shame.

Husbands, beloved your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself upwardly for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or contraction or whatever such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. ( Ephesians 5:25–27 )

A husband should bring his wife to the Give-and-take in a way that helps her to know that she is cherished by Jesus every bit His radiant bride, one whom He loves and sacrifices for.

When oppressors utilize religious teachings to shame victims and to highlight their failure and guilt, they go out their victims cut off from the cognition of how Jesus' sacrifice makes them worthy and unites them to Him. People who are degraded by harsh teaching are left without hope and grace. They come to believe that they are worthless, because their oppressors' focus remains on them and not on what Jesus has washed.

The spiritual abuses of the Pharisees

Jesus condemns those who preach things that they do non practice themselves — those who identify heavy, difficult loads on others' shoulders and practise not elevator a finger to assistance them. In Matthew 23, He pronounces seven denunciations against those who add together oppressive burdens. His words are harsh because at that place is so much at stake.

Those who followed the Pharisees and scribes were encumbered with the wrong things, and this kept them from following God. As in Beth's case, so much of what was spoken to them was in directly contradiction to God'southward actual Discussion.

To help you lot improve understand the wounds of marital spiritual corruption, focus on the serious damage Jesus pinpoints the Pharisees and scribes doing to those whom they were called to care for. He accuses them of:

• Shutting up the kingdom (verse 13).
• Stealing from the vulnerable (verse 14).
• Leading their converts on the wrong path (poetry xv).
• Making them children of hell: converting them to an untrue religion that preached functioning over human relationship with the Lord (verse 15).
• Promoting technicalities that they used to get out of oaths (verses sixteen–22).
• Being obsessed with trivialities while neglecting the more important matters of the law, such as justice, mercy and faithfulness — which left people vulnerable (verse 23–24).
• Beingness full of greed and cocky-indulgence (poesy 25).
• Persecuting those whom they were chosen to shepherd (poesy 34).

The Pharisees, similar spiritually abusive husbands, were leading others away from God. Their guilt-inducing and shaming words inflicted tremendous damage. Jesus rebuked the Pharisees and then strongly because the damage they did broke His heart . Our hearts should intermission, too, when we encounter such harm.

Spiritual abuse in marriage

Husbands who utilize Scripture to oppress their wives tend to be control-oriented — they employ guilt, fear and intimidation to manipulate them for their own comfort and celebrity. They assault the personhood or grapheme of their wives by using Scripture as a lance.

Spiritually oppressive husbands exhibit the following characteristics. They:

• Overemphasize their say-so.They may elevate their points of view in a higher place those of their pastors, to a higher place those of teachers and even above the Bible itself. Husbands who apply spiritual abuse in marriage ofttimes require unconditional submission.

• Are image-conscious. They work hard to maintain an image of righteousness when they are in public. They deny or cover up their own sins and flaws. And they are skillful at performing acts that appear righteous and at bringing attention to their "holiness."

• Are paranoid. Their thinly veiled, performance-based spirituality is threatened past exposure. If others saw what they were actually like, they would exist quickly rejected — and then they work to isolate their victims and limit other influences on them.

• Suppress criticism. They will not allow questions, dissent or open discussions most problems.

• Express theology that's unbalanced. They tend to focus on modest or peripheral theological matters.

• Have unfair standards. They require others to accept a loftier standard of righteousness while excusing their ain failings.

• Are not teachable. They keep visitor only with like-minded people.

• Are legalistic. They make and enforce extra-biblical rules.

• Exercise often not submit to authority. They tend to flee church subject field and fail to submit to church leadership and secular authorities.

• Employ fear every bit motivation. They use fear and coercion to persuade others to obey them or share their point of view.

The impact of spiritual abuse

Spiritual abuse does tremendous damage. Consider these examples of spiritual abuse in marriage.

Logan

A young wife, Logan, sees her husband, Nate, being harsh and acting unloving toward their children. Logan is concerned, so she approaches her married man later that nighttime. Nate calmly tells her that she is non to challenge him and that he'south doing what the Bible says to do. She pushes dorsum and brings to his attention the ways that he invoked fearfulness in their children. Nate responds by questioning her interpretation of Scripture, her understanding of grace, her inability to trust his authority and ultimately her faith — and he artfully uses passages of Scripture to do it. Logan is left disoriented and littered with guilt and shame. She questions non just what she witnessed only too her own centre before the Lord.

Carly

Carly'southward married man presented her with long lists of her shortcomings and claimed that they were sins confronting God. There was not an evening during which he did not scrutinize her cooking, parenting, appearance or housekeeping. She began to question whether she was a believer. She believed she had failed at so many things, and she was left with many questions. If her middle produced only bad fruit, should she even lead her children in devotions? She questioned why God would not help her. Were her prayers wrong? Why else wouldn't God grant her desire to exist pleasing to Him? Could the Bible be wrong about what was required of her? Information technology felt similar too much for anyone to get correct.

Melissa

Stan was the model elder who always showed up at people's homes to pray with them in their times of need. When Melissa and Stan'south baby died at nativity, Stan was cold and roughshod. He blamed Melissa'south lack of faith for their baby's expiry and, instead of comforting her, lectured her for having a weak spirit and crying. As she watched him proceed to care for others, Melissa'southward interest in church faded, and she isolated herself from the customs that adored him.

Source: Is Information technology Corruption? A Biblical Guide to Identifying Domestic Abuse and Helping Victims.

Helping the spiritually oppressed

When someone uses the Word of God or spiritual speech to control and shame someone else, we cannot even imagine the distortions, injuries, lies and exploitations that upshot. We demand to ask thoughtful questions in order to observe what parts of the Bible abusers take referenced, what they accept said and what victims now believe.

People wishing to help the spiritually oppressed need be aware of the damage that has been done to a victim of spiritual corruption and especially enlightened of the specific harm that has been washed to her relationship with the Lord. We must be sensitive to the victim'south wounds so we don't do more harm equally nosotros endeavour to help her.

The spiritually oppressed behave profound injuries with them, so we must tedious downwards and sympathize their situations and experiences.

Gather your information

Knowing a victim's story, her context, her particular wounds (equally well as how she engages with her community and with Scripture) will help you as you seek to care for her. Every bit you begin working with her, try to learn:

• The specific teachings or passages used by the married man to damage or control the victim.
• What it's like for her to bear the wounds she has suffered.
• How these wounds accept shaped her perceptions of Christians, the church, marriage, people in authority, the Bible and God.

Victims do not always run across how they are damaged past this type of oppression, and then yous don't desire to ask them, "How was Scripture used to shame you lot?" They may not aspect their suffering to the things they've been told. Ask broader questions that try to find out what's been said to them, such equally "How practise you think the Bible addresses our shame?"

It's usually not wise to label behaviors as abuse that you've heard nearly or observed — at to the lowest degree not initially. Doing so volition likely shut down a victim'south disclosure of the misuses of Scripture that she's enduring.

Find out how much of the victim's community voices the distortions that she's hearing. An unabridged church culture or family construction may have distorted beliefs. Learn how her community thinks.

Help victims see Jesus accurately

Our ultimate goal is to assist victims of spiritual corruption see Jesus accurately and to repair their human relationship with Him. In order for them to reach this goal, nosotros need to restore their relationship with Scripture so they can believe and trust God's love for them anew. But the process of reaching this goal needs to be just as redemptive as the goal itself.

As we care for tender people, we need to practise so in a way that represents Jesus' eye for them. Oppressors have already told their victims what to recollect and in which ways they do non measure out up, so we have to be very careful about how we proceed.

How do nosotros do this well? We must act in a way that redeems a victim'due south perception of Jesus and that helps her to understand what God'south Word actually says — the way Jesus really views her and what He actually requires of her.

Jesus' own words in Matthew 11 are an invitation to broken and overburdened souls, and that includes wives suffering from spiritual abuse. Jesus spoke His words to the same people who sabbatum under the Pharisees whom Jesus rebuked in Matthew 23. He says, "Come to me, all you who are weary and encumbered, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon y'all and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will notice rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is lite" (Matthew eleven:28–30, NIV).

Jesus is speaking in this passage from Matthew to a people who are suffering nether the overburdening words of Israel's leaders and their misapplication of the law and of Scripture — just like wives who are suffering in spiritually oppressive marriages.

Bear witness them Jesus' tender beloved

Jesus invites them to find residue in Him because He is different. He is the 1 who replenishes souls by fulfilling the law then that they can be unburdened and at peace with God. Jesus is the One who provides rest that's based solely on what He has done. Jesus then invites them to take on His yoke. This is not the yoke of the Mosaic law only the yoke of learning most Jesus and beingness congenital past or grafted into Him, the One who has done all the work.

Jesus is the 1 who fully knows the fallen state of our hearts and chooses to lift our guilt rather than to shame u.s.a..

He does not threaten us (except those of us who misuse their authority: See Matthew 23:13–38; Luke eleven:37–54).

He does not oppress usa. He sets u.s. complimentary. His yoke is low-cal, because He bears our burdens with us and bore our sins for us. By His option and for His please, He woos usa to himself. It is out of love that He moves toward united states of america, and He does so gently.

The wounded and weak were fatigued to Jesus because He affirmed their personhood by listening to them, empathizing with them and advocating for them. He loved them tenderly — and then should we.

To larn more nigh spiritual corruption and other types of abuse in union, and to access abuse assessments and tools to help victims of oppression, meet Is Information technology Corruption?  by Darby Strickland.

* Names take been changed.

thortonwithic1993.blogspot.com

Source: https://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/what-is-spiritual-abuse-in-marriage/

Share this post